parenting

At our last meeting with Bonnie we started to talk about parenting skills & styles and how we thought parenting an adopted child might be. I suppose you could say I have an advantage as I aleady have Flip, but I must admit I feel like I have had an easy ride with him. We had the usual teenage moods and sulks, but no drink/drugs or other worrying behaviours and on the whole he didn't do anything that caused us any great stress or worry. We know that this is not likely to be the case with an adopted child due to the trauma in the background of any child who has been taken into the care system. So we talked through a few different approaches to parenting but on the whole we know that we are likely to have to adapt our parenting style as and when a child is placed and once we know from the foster carers what is likely to work and what definitely doesn't!

To aid us in this we have been looking at back issues of BMP and CWW to look at childrens' profiles and discuss how we might approach parenting or what we feel the isssues are likely to be. Not easy. But on the whole I think we are beginning to get an idea of the issues we can and can't deal with. And by looking at the profiles separately and then coming together to discuss we have been able to see where we are in agreement and where we differ in what we think we could cope with.

We have also started redecorating the bedroom which currently looks as pictured above. Yes that is daylight coming through the walls and yes it is a bigger job than expected, but at least it will all be done by the end of March. Some remedial work to be done to beams by our carpenter and then it should be a fairly quick job to finish. Tell me, does anywhere sell childproof plasterboard......?

we're all going on a...summer holdiay!

Well the holiday saga is over. Had a chat with Bonnie about it last week and it seems that, as a result of when our approval panel is and the processes that happen between that and matching panel, and then most SW not wanting to place a child just before the summer holiday period (a combination of SW holidays and needing to have good availability when child is first placed and not wanting to disrupt the routine of a school aged child with a move AND the holiday period) we will be able to go away in early August. A delighted Flash has already booked up so we're off for sun, sea and sangria for a couple of weeks! This probably sounds as though we are not considering the impact of having a child placed with us. Far from it. We both have very busy careers and need the relaxation of a summer holiday and usually we would have booked up last October, but delayed because of the adoption process. When you begin you really have no idea of how long it will take to be approved, let alone matched, and as has been pointed out by followers of this blog, there is only so much of your life you can put on hold. This is the type of holiday we always take, and over the years we have gone as a couple when Flip has been away with his dad, as a family with Flip, with my sister and her family and with Flash's brother and his family. And in the future we anticipate doing the same with the newest member of our family, whenever that may be.

I had another individual session with Bonnie this week which concentrated on my previous relationships and my school days. Although I now get on fine with my ex, it really grates that I had to spend an hour talking about him and what he did to our relationship. And it grates even more that they have to send him a questionnaire asking him about my parenting skills/relationship with our son. That means that he will know about our plans before we are even approved - sounds petty, but he was very controlling in our relationship and I don't like feeling like he has control over even a part of this process. Rationally I know that the approval will not be based on his opinion, but the fact that we cannot be approved until Bonnie has his opinion means that I am not in control of this part of the process, ergo he has control. Does that make sense? I suppose he has to know sometime, would just have preferred it to be after we know we are approved. Shame I didn't get the same courtesy of advanced warning 14 years ago when Flip's half brother was born - I was told after the event - no chance for me to prepare Flip for the new arrival - I was livid and it did explain a lot about Flip's behaviour for a few weeks. Rant over!

This week our joint session will, I believe, be where we start looking in a bit more detail at the issues surrounding children in care and what we are/are not willing to consider in a child. I think we have a good idea already but it will be interesting to talk about as it will be more about 'the child' and less about us for a change!

Will post again later in the week with my thoughts.

LL
xxx

Happy New Year

I love looking at snow. I just do not like being out in it. Flash has been in heaven as the snow in December set him up for the perfect traditional Christmas. I, on the other hand turn into a hamster in this weather and hardly put a foot out of the door! Which is a bit of a problem with lots of relatives to visit, shopping to do etc. Worse for me as Flash does not drive so I have to chauffer everyone. I am fine with that so long as they don't expect me to drive above walking pace!!

Christmas was the usual chaotic riot - lots of family over Christmas day, then driving to see the in laws for Boxing Day in the midlands. And the discovery that guitar hero world tour is just the best PS3 game ever and I can drum away to 'eye of the tiger' with hardly a missed beat (on easy level of course!!) And once all the chaos is finished, and the decorations are packed away, you sit and reflect that next Christmas could be very different indeed.

Suddenly the April panel date is looking scarily close. And I don't even know when the date is! This in itself is causing a minor headache. We have been invited to go away for a week with some friends in early April, but cannot commit as we don't know when panel will be. Due to 2 cancelled home study visits (snow!) I haven't had a chance to discuss with Bonnie, so have emailed to see where the land lies. Flash in particular is not finding it easy to put on hold our normal plans. He is itching to book a summer holiday, but again, this is something that we need to discuss with Bonnie, and I don't think an email conversation is the best way to do it. ANd of course, Flash's brother had to rub it in that they have booked their holiday, near to where we went last year.......

Happy new year everyone. Here's hoping some wishes really do come true this year!

more musings

We had another homestudy this week. Got to the nitty gritty of how Flash and I met, what we thought of each other, what we like about each other etc. It is something that you normally take for granted in a stable relationship, so it is a lovely boost to self esteem and confidence to hear your husband talk about you in glowing terms. And I hope he felt the same about what I said about him. We also had a debrief about prep course and one of the things picked up was that we didn't seem comfortable joining in some of the role play/visual/practical elements of the course. we both strongly disagreed. As lecturers, the techniques used on the course were very familiar learning tools and over the course of our careers we have tried and discarded several of them. So having them used on the course when we felt that other methods of getting the point across would have suited us better was something we commented on. I am sure others on the course found them useful however. I think that just because we did not fully interact in a particular activity does not mean that we cannot see what it means or understand the message behind it. So after a long chat with Bonnie about this I think we were all reassured as to our real understanding. This probably sounds quite vague and confusing, but if you go through a prep course, you will understand.

So to Christmas. Lots of friends visited, (even braving the snow to be sociable) and all pointing out that this could be our last Christmas as a family of 3. And the sudden realisation that approval in April is really not that far away. I am getting a little impatient now and want to subscribe to CWW and BMP but also feel that it would be too much of a jinx on the process to do it too soon. See what battles between head and heart are set off by this process! I showed my mum the BMP website and she was nearly in tears just looking at the short profiles. GOK how she will be when she starts getting more information about what some of these poor kids go through.

Anyway. In case this is my last post before Christmas, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year.

a quiet week

Not a lot to report this week. We were supposed to have a home study appoinment this week but it was cancelled through illness. The common cold has a lot to answer for! Off to London this weekend to see Grease the musical. A birthday present from Flash. Here's hoping we manage to avoid the London Christmas shopping crowds too. We are hoping to add in a visit to the Tate modern too if time allows and I have requested a dim sum lunch in Soho. I don't think he quite knew what he was letting himslef in for when he booked it! My Christmas shopping is going well - via the internet as I really hate shopping, crowds and queueing for the park & ride. Bah humbug!!

Final prep course day

Do you know I quite got used to being the student for a change and I will miss the prep group sessions, not least because of the lovely people we met on them. I sent them all the address for this blog so if you are reading guys - you know who you are and hope you are well and things are progressing with home study.

This last day concentrated very much on the types of contact arrangements that we can expect between an adopted child and their birth family. This can range from no contact at all (very rare) through letter box contact (common) to direct contact with siblings/grandparents (reasonably common) and direct contact with birth parent (very rare). Each adoptive and birth family is assessed on their likely ability to manage the different types of contact but of paramount importance is that whatever is decided has got to be in the best interests of the child. The likelihood of the birth family keeping their end of the arrangements is also considered as even if only one letter a year is to be exchanged, an adopted child could be further traumatised if they are expecting a letter that is not received. An adoptive parent came in to explain her arrangements - a combination of letter and direct contact - and it was really interesting to see how it worked and to hear reports of how her daughter dealt with the process. This is an area that we will be considering very carefully and I am sure will be disussed further in our home study visits with Bonnie.

In addition the approval and matching process was explained and we had a little flick through the Be My Parent and Children Who Wait publications. Because we are with a voluntary agency our child is likely to come from out of the area and so these publications are really useful for family finders. But we have a long way to go before we start looking - I think we will wait until Bonnie has finished her home study visits and while she is writing up the PAR, we can busy ourselves with the mags and websites.

Normally at this time of year we would be planning our next year's summer holiday, but we don't quite know what to do. If we go to approval panel as planned in April we could be matched within weeks or it could take months. So do we book a holiday with brother and sis in law like last year (Flash is very keen on this) and take a chance that we will either be matched early perfect (!) child will move in and come with us, or that we won't be matched until after the holiday? The realistic view is that if we are matched in the summer any holiday is likely to be too stressful for a newly adopted child so we shouldn't plan anything. But I do love the sun......!

Christmas plans continue and it feels strange that this could be our last as a family of 3. I try not to think too far ahead however as there are no guarantees of a quick match.

The next task for us to do is to finish off the prep group homework ready for our next meeting with Bonnie - a life story book to do for a hypothetical case, a few more bits on support networks etc.

But for now, I am off to do a bit more internet shopping for Christmas, with the Thanksgiving NFL matches playing in the background - packers currently winning against detroit but we still have the second half to go.

a funny week

It will be our last day of prep course tomorrow and I have been thinking a lot about what we have learned so far and how it will finish off tomorrow. Flash has finally calmed down after his individual interview with the SW, during which he pointed out what he perceived as weaknesses in the prep course.

With Children in Need on tonight, it has made me think how lucky most children are in this country and how much society in general tends to try not to think about the darker side of life. At lunch today a colleague was talking about a session she had just taught on child abuse. She teaches on an allied health programme and the students need to know about how to spot the signs of abuse in the children they see and what causes the types of injuries. To do this she used a lifesized baby doll and demonstrated the force with which babies can be shaken, how twisting of limbs (like chinese burns) can cause spiral fractures, not to mention the general beatings they can suffer. She also talked to them about sexual abuse and at the end of the session several students complained aboput the graphic nature of the images and examples she used and that upsetting stuff like that should not be taught on the course. Very wisely she understood that some of them may have encountered abuse themselves and has referred them on for support, but for several it was genuine shock that kids could be dealt with like that. So should we not teach about cancer becuase it might be upsettiung for some families? And should we not teach them about death, dying and bereavement in case they get upset - let alone think about the patients who may get upset! I have been teaching and working in my field for over 20 years now and even with increased media coverage of such issues, it seems as if some young people today have a very sanitised view of the world. 20 years ago I learned to take it in my stride that such things could happen and it was my job to learn how to deal with the victims of the abuse, not shy away from dealing with it. I hope that they take on board their lecture from today and view the Children in Need appeal in a different light, and also deal more empathetically with their patients in the future.

Anyway to round off a morbid post on a lighter note, I am off to see New Moon with my teenage nieces and nephews tonight. Oh, and my sisters also have to come along to chaperone - nothing to do with the muscle bound bare chests we are expecting to see in th movie.......!!!!

Have given up on keeping the Packers scores - seem to be disappointing me too often!:(