Well the holiday saga is over. Had a chat with Bonnie about it last week and it seems that, as a result of when our approval panel is and the processes that happen between that and matching panel, and then most SW not wanting to place a child just before the summer holiday period (a combination of SW holidays and needing to have good availability when child is first placed and not wanting to disrupt the routine of a school aged child with a move AND the holiday period) we will be able to go away in early August. A delighted Flash has already booked up so we're off for sun, sea and sangria for a couple of weeks! This probably sounds as though we are not considering the impact of having a child placed with us. Far from it. We both have very busy careers and need the relaxation of a summer holiday and usually we would have booked up last October, but delayed because of the adoption process. When you begin you really have no idea of how long it will take to be approved, let alone matched, and as has been pointed out by followers of this blog, there is only so much of your life you can put on hold. This is the type of holiday we always take, and over the years we have gone as a couple when Flip has been away with his dad, as a family with Flip, with my sister and her family and with Flash's brother and his family. And in the future we anticipate doing the same with the newest member of our family, whenever that may be.
I had another individual session with Bonnie this week which concentrated on my previous relationships and my school days. Although I now get on fine with my ex, it really grates that I had to spend an hour talking about him and what he did to our relationship. And it grates even more that they have to send him a questionnaire asking him about my parenting skills/relationship with our son. That means that he will know about our plans before we are even approved - sounds petty, but he was very controlling in our relationship and I don't like feeling like he has control over even a part of this process. Rationally I know that the approval will not be based on his opinion, but the fact that we cannot be approved until Bonnie has his opinion means that I am not in control of this part of the process, ergo he has control. Does that make sense? I suppose he has to know sometime, would just have preferred it to be after we know we are approved. Shame I didn't get the same courtesy of advanced warning 14 years ago when Flip's half brother was born - I was told after the event - no chance for me to prepare Flip for the new arrival - I was livid and it did explain a lot about Flip's behaviour for a few weeks. Rant over!
This week our joint session will, I believe, be where we start looking in a bit more detail at the issues surrounding children in care and what we are/are not willing to consider in a child. I think we have a good idea already but it will be interesting to talk about as it will be more about 'the child' and less about us for a change!
Will post again later in the week with my thoughts.
LL
xxx
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i am soooo with you on the ex partner thing. we had that issue too, both of us having been married before. it makes me so angry but i totally get the reason for it. he too was a controlling person and i didnt want him to know about our plans as thats personal. esp. as he had gone on to father children and i cant have children! talk about rubbing salt into the wound.
ReplyDeleteone thing they did say was that if they go no information back they woudln't hold up the process, they would send a couple of reminders and then after a certain period of time then would stop making contact. and other things can proceed in the background. so we didnt lose any time over it.
might be worth you having a chat with your s/w and see if its the same. i mean how long would they wait without contact? they surely wouldnt halt the process because they dont get a response.
i did like the what you will / will not consider thing, a really useful exercise!
mary xxx